I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
