A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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