I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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