I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
