Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
