I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
