It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
