He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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