I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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