I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
