no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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