Swine flu. Run for my life!
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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