There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
