somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
