I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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