i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
