you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
