When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
