The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
