i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
