this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
did i walk over a car last night?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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