I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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