3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
