GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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