I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
