He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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