Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
