dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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