you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
