Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
