Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
