So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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