Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You were trust falling into bushes
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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