I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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