Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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