I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
