Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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