I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
how drunk are you?
Several
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
