so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
