Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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