you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
