I only kidnapped one of them. chill
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
