she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
