I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
