I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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