I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
