Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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