I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
