I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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