mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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